something happened. I am sorry you got there.
I know I said I wouldn't. I promised. well, just like everything else I do, I failed. I failed to keep that promise. I am sorry.
if it happened, it had to happen. please do not put the burden on yourself for not helping enough. or not being there. it is not the case. everyone did what they had to do, and you were all wonderful. if you had done more, that wouldn't have solved any of the core problems.
I am so sorry to make you sad. to make you all have to deal with my bulshit for the rest of your lives. it's unfair for all of you. I shouldn't be inflicting you all of that. I feel terrible about it as I write those lines. but if you are reading these, then I'm sorry. my own pain became more powerful than that constant desire to not hurt other people. this is all very selfish of me. I am sorry again.
you could blame me for not trying. not seeking help. not actively working to improve things. but that's exactly the point. I tried, and I can't do that. I am just realizing how low I got, how unable I am to exist comfortably in any way. I couldn't think of a better outcome.
please do not take my own failure for yourself. you can most likely do things. my brain was hard wired to harm itself, to the point I got there. that's just how I was made. and it sucked. it's alright. we're not all blessed by genetics and the place we are born in. but you can always try.
I took the lazy exit. I stopped trying. I hope that I'm at peace now. that we all are at peace.